We were us (and now we are you and me)...

Once upon a time, I met a boy and I fell head over heels in love. It was a grand thing. The best thing that had ever happened to me at 21 years of age. I fell in love and got married and had two precious girls and my life was pretty much exactly what I had always wanted. None of that was a lie.

Nick and I had our share of troubles. Our marriage was tested repeatedly and we always managed to come out stronger for it.

This time our marriage fell apart.

I am not proud of that. At all. I meant my vows with every beat of my heart and I still take them very seriously. Coming to terms with the fact that there is literally no way for me to keep my vows and remain married has taken me a long time to wrap my mind around. I have come to believe that I am keeping my vows by getting divorced. I promised one day in October 13 years ago to love Nick no matter the bend in the road. I never imagined this bend. But it has come. And Nick feels that in order for him to feel fulfilled and happy, he has to move on to another life, another wife, another family. It's a hard thing to accept-quite frankly, it hurts like hell, in a way that I don't think can be imagined unless you are living through it-but I think that I'm finally to a place where I not only can accept that this is happening, I can embrace it as a part of my own journey.

This is not an overnight revelation. This has taken months and months of grief and sadness and journaling to get to. Writing and writing and writing for myself. Acknowledging millions of feelings and emotions and barely keeping my head above water. This has been the hardest thing I've ever lived through. It has been like grieving a death in which there is no body.

Nick and I have always promised that if, for any reason, we ever split up, we would remain friends. I have every intention of keeping that promise, but my goodness, is it hard. Putting aside my own feelings is so difficult and sometimes it is just more than I can manage. I'm doing much better, and Nick and I are for the most part able to be friendly, but we are a long way from the ideal in my head of how this eventually should work. And I just don't know how long that will take. My ideal includes each of us having a partner who makes us a better person.

I finally am beginning to feel that this has happened so that someone can come into my and the girls lives that-once we meet him-we just can't imagine how we ever got along without him. And if we are lucky enough that he comes with a child or children, we will wonder how our family seemed complete before. That is my prayer.

This journey has been hard. It has dwarfed any difficult circumstance that I've come up against in the past. It has been hard to watch my children go through this and not be able to magically fix it. Betsy has had to learn that she can be very angry and disappointed in someone and still love them. It is a lesson that I think that some adults have yet to learn.

But the three of us are stronger. We know that we are blessed beyond belief to have each other. Embracing this as an opportunity for our family to grow is not easy, but we are getting there. Step by step. Breath by breath. Prayer by prayer. We have rounded the bend in the road and we don't quite know what lies ahead. But I believe that it is something glorious. Something amazing. And something that we won't want to live without, once we finally get there.

Yes, we are done...

So, I have two beautiful girls. If you read my blog, then you likely follow me on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, and you know this. Because most of my life is my girls.

I also have a stepson who is 14. Who is the most amazing boy, a great big brother who has always been mature for his age.

So the point is...we are blessed. We are lucky. We are done.

And I feel more and more certain of that every day, and I feel guilty.

When my friends see babies, they just fall in love. When I see babies, it's like, that's nice.

I loved my babies. Seriously. Head over heels in love. I can remember of feeling like it was Christmas every morning to be able to see Betsy every morning, awake and ready to start the day-the all day, every day with mommy. I loved all of it. I was blessed to be a stay at home mom for the entire time that my children were little. I'm still a mostly stay at home mom, as I only work one day a week.

And the thing is, I still adore my kids. I love the ages that they are now. They are 10 and 7 and they enjoy doing so many things that are fun. They watch movies that I enjoy, they like to ride bigger rides at amusement parks, they like to read longer books at bedtime. (We still read picture books at bedtime too-I'm going to do that for as long as they will allow me to.)

The other day Betsy and her dad were having a conversation about tomatoes being fruits or vegetables, which ultimately ended as all conversations do, with Google. And they discovered that Congress declared tomatoes a vegetable somewhere along the line, to which my daughter replied, "They have important stuff like ISIS to be dealing with, and they are worried about that?" (We did explain that it was a while ago, but I'm still so proud that she understands so much about our government.)

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I like having older children. That doesn't mean I didn't love having younger children.

I love having two girls. I love the bond that they have with each other, which mirrors my relationship with my sister.

I love the bond that they have with their big brother. I love that they basically think he hung the moon in the sky.

And I love that we are done having kids. Yes, when Nick sometimes talks about what it would be like to have another baby, I get all dreamy, because I truly love that he wants me to have his babies. But beyond that-it's finished. And that's okay.

I feel awkward saying that I am done with the babies. Most blogs that I read are about wanting more kids, about infertility, about wanting a whole houseful of kids. I know that I am blessed that I got pregnant quickly and easily both times. But I wanted to put my truth out there, just to give it a voice, because somehow writing something down makes it mine. And if you see me near a baby, know that I think that it is darling, and that the parents are so lucky to be going on their journey. But I'm not going to hold it and have "baby fever." And that's okay.

The one with this actual line, his mobster mother-in-law pregnant by his father...

So...you know how people are always saying write what you know? Well, I know soap operas. Which I'm always a little leery of saying, because of all the associations that go along with that. I mean, good grief...I am highly educated, I read tons of what would be considered great literature, I am well informed on all matters of politics, foreign affairs, and...I love pop culture and soap operas. The pop culture isn't so terrible, most people don't judge too harshly that I'm obsessed with the royal baby. But soap operas are a different beast. Whenever clips of soaps are shown, it is always the stupidest, cattiest bit they could find. People still make fun of "Dolly the Clone," despite the fact that Kim Zimmer did an excellent job with a storyline that she got no say in.

Anyway, I am openly admitting, in black and white, that I love my soaps. When I say my I specifically mean Days of Our Lives and General Hospital. My grandma watched them faithfully every day, and thus I watched them every day that I was able to. I love the Hortons and the Bradys, the Webers and the Spencers, like they are living, breathing members of my own family.

So...the pre-nominations of the Daytime Emmys came out today. (That is a list of 10 nominees who will eventually be winnowed to 5ish for the nomination.) And, while I totally wish that I lived near a cool art house movie theater, and could screen all of the Oscar nominees, the sad truth is that is not the case. Zanesville's movie theater rarely shows any movie that is not a popcorn, big budget action thriller. And so, I cannot pretend to know who will win the Oscars other than the tried and true method of if they already won the SAG and DAG awards.

But there are only 4 soaps on the air today. So I can with a bit of confidence feel that I have a good grip on the best performances.

That said, there are a few caveats. First of all, the way that the Daytime Emmys are awarded is that these pre-nominated people submit tapes of their best work. No one seemingly takes into account whether someone is actually on the air all that often, if someone had a really rocking storyline where they get to scream and cry and then disappear back into the background. Also, I personally feel that Bold and the Beautiful exploits this to the nth degree. People who are barely ever on screen on B and B win Emmys nearly every year. So my list will likely not perfectly mirror the eventual nominees-but it is a list from someone who truly watches these shows, day in, day out, and understands the breadth of the work done by these actors. Also, I am choosing 5 actors per category out of fairness.

So, here goes:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Tracey E. Bregman, Lauren, Y&R
Jessica Collins, Avery, Y&R
Melissa Claire Egan, Chelsea, Y&R
Katherine Kelly Lang, Brooke, B&B
Peggy McCay, Caroline, DAYS
Alison Sweeney, Sami, DAYS
Gina Togoni, Phylis, Y&R
Heather Tom, Katie, B&B
Maura West, Ava, GH
Laura Wright, Carly, GH

My picks: Maura West, Laura Wright, Ali Sweeney, Heather Tom, Jessica Collins. Maura West should win for her no holds barred portrayal of the mob princess, Ava Jerome.


Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Peter Bergman, Jack, Y&R
Eric Braeden, Victor, Y&R
Tyler Christopher, Nikolas, GH
Daniel Cosgrave, Aiden, DAYS
Doug Davidson, Paul, Y&R
Anthony Geary, Luke, GH
Justin Hartley, Adam, Y&R
John McCook, Eric, B&B
Billy Miller, Billy, Y&R
Jason Thompson, Patrick, GH

My picks: Anthony Geary, Billy Miller, Peter Bergman, Tyler Christopher, Eric Braeden. This is a close category with noticeable holes (where is Maurice Bernard?), and I can't quite make up my mind between Tony Geary in his brilliant Fluke storyline and Billy Miller, who had the Delia death scenes to submit this year. And I'll admit, I like Justin Hartley a lot and feel that he's underrated, but I don't see him getting nominated with his work thus far on Y&R.


Outstanding Supporting Actress

Linsey Godfrey, Caroline, B&B
Nancy Lee Grahn, Alexis, GH
Amelia Heinle, Victoria, Y&R
Elizabeth Hendrickson, Chloe, B&B
Finola Hughes, Anna, GH
Lisa LoCicero, Olivia, GH
Kim Mantula, Hope, B&B
Micelle Stafford, Nina, GH
Cady McClain, Kelly, Y&R
Chrishell Stause, Jordan, DAYS
Kelly Sullivan, Sage, Y&R

My picks: Michelle Stafford, Elizabeth Hendrickson, Nancy Lee Grahn, Amelia Heinle, Finola Hughes. Michelle's pitch perfect portrayal of whack-a-doodle Nina deserves this win.


Outstanding Supporting Actor

Blake Berris, Nick, DAYS
Darrin Brooks, Wyatt, B&B
Steve Burton, Dylan, Y&R
Sean Carrigan, Stitch, Y&R
Chad Duell, Michael, GH
Bryton James, Devon, Y&R
Eric Martsoff, Brady, DAYS
Kristoff St. John, Neil, Y&R
Jacob Young, Rick, B&B
Scott Clifton, Liam, B&B

My picks: Steve Burton, Scott Clifton, Blake Berris, Jacob Young, Chad Duell. I am punishing Kristoff, who will likely get a nomination, over a stupid storyline. My pick in this category is most likely Jacob, who is having fun chewing scenery over at B&B.


Outstanding Younger Actress

Kristen Alderson, Kiki, GH
Camila Banus, Gabi, DAYS
Lauren Boles, Ciara, DAYS
Ashleigh Brewer, Ivy, B&B
Camryn Grimes, Mariah, Y&R
Hunter King, Summer, Y&R
True O'Brien, Paige, DAYS
Ashlyn Pearce, Aly, B&B
Haley Pullos, Molly, GH

This is a dumb category. Roger Howarth is missing a nomination, but Aly and Ivy from B&B are nominated. It makes me want to scream. Anyway, Kristen Alderson should win for recognition of her years as Starr Manning if nothing else.


Outstanding Younger Actor

Bryan Craig, Morgan, GH
Max Elrich, Fenmore, Y&R
Connor Kalopsis, Chase, DAYS
Casey Moss, JJ, DAYS
Max Page, Reed, Y&R
Terrell Ransom, Jr., Theo, DAYS
Tequan Richmond, TJ, GH
Freddie Smith, Sonny, DAYS

I'm going to go with Bryan Craig in this one, because he had the better storyline of being involved with his mobster ex-mother-in-law who ended up pregnant with his father's baby (indeed), but Freddie will likely win to support the new LGBT storylines.

So, there you go. Skewed to GH, yes, but it is the best show on the air right now. They deserve to be recognized for it.

Horror of Horrors

Okay, I'm always struggling with my fascination/obsession/repulsion of horror movies. Specifically of slasher films of the late 70s and 80s. Halloween. Nightmare on Elm Street. Friday the 13th. And, of course, Sleepaway Camp.

The 26 anniversary of all of this starting is happening, and that combined with the fact that Betsy is now the age that I was when all of this got thrust upon me has me obsessing wondering about all of this, all over again.

That and the fact that I decided to watch a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon today.

I tell this story all the time, to the point that my kids are embarrassed by it. When I was 10 years old, I was invited to my best friend, Michelle's, birthday party. It was a sleepover, as 10 year olds tend to have. There were 3 of us who went, and we did all the things that 10 year old girls do at a sleepover. We had pizza, we tormented Michelle's little brother, we giggled and laughed and had a grand time. And we watched movies.

So, Michelle's mom asks what we want her to rent at the local video store. At this point in my life, I basically said every thought that came into my head, so I proceed to go on and on about Little Red Riding Hood. You see, I had recently had a babysitter who I thought was super cool, and she had rented this version of Riding Hood that I found suspenseful. Basically, it was the same old story, but to me, who grew up with 5 television channels, it seemed like a scary story. And at 10, I did know that at sleepovers you were supposed to watch scary stories. So they all humor me. Michelle's mom rents Red Riding Hood, along with the classic Adventures in Baby-sitting, and...Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and the original Friday the 13th.

They watched Red Riding Hood first. I came to understand quickly that they didn't like it. But oh, I had no idea what they were about to do. They put in Nightmare on Elm Street. I can still to this day tell you the entire plot from beginning to end. Granted, it was the 4th movie in the franchise, so they had to fill me in on stuff. But there I sat, as one of the truly most horrifying creatures ever put on film entered my 10 year old brain. I had no idea what to do with him. So naturally, I became fixated. (That is a pattern in my life.)

Freddy is fascinating. The original Nightmare on Elm Street is a work of art. It is a dissection of dreams, of adolescence, of the boogyman hiding inside our heads. It is the parents in the movie that did something wrong-for reasons they considered right. It is the sins of the father visited upon the son, but through a dark, demonic character that can literally destroy your dreams. The original ending made a circle, completed the story, but Wes Craven was forced to add a twist ending to set up a sequel. Which is a shame-and true of all slasher movies, from my perspective. Sequels never, ever live up to the original because the story that propelled the first story has to then be manipulated.

Take Halloween, for example. The original Halloween is the most perfect slasher movie ever made, in my opinion. Michael Myers is the classic boogyman, he has no motivation whatsoever except for that he seems to target the non-virgins of the group. He's just this mute guy going after kids one by one on Halloween night. And perfect, pure as snow Jamie Lee Curtis isn't killed because she's a good girl. That's perfection. But then, they needed to make more. And in doing so, they decided that Michael Myers needed a motive and made him Jamie Lee's brother. And that takes it all away...because now he's not just a scary guy who could, in turn, show up at anyone's door.

I don't watch slasher movies of nowadays. I'm quite sure they would scare me to death. I did watch Mama last year, which was scary until it was so sad that I cried and cried and hold my kids close. And that, of course, is the wonder of movies-the ability for them to take us out of our world and explore the depths of bits of our brains that we didn't know were there. Sleepaway Camp is without a doubt the start of a lifelong obsession that I have with transgendered individuals, which may sound very colloquial, but I grew up in the most sheltered way possible. For this slasher movie to be my introduction to the idea that there could be boys who were girls and vice versa was downright shocking.

I'm trying to decide about all of these things in relation to Betsy. I tell her constantly that she may be at a sleepover and watch something scary. I mean, she's scared of Hocus Pocus. I don't want her to be embarrassed like I was. At the same time, I can't imagine letting her watch any of this stuff...possibly ever. Maybe my parents were glad to have had me watch such things away from them, so that they didn't have to deal with watching it themselves. They certainly never have watched any of this. Ever. And I don't have the stomach to watch anything that isn't dated to my childhood, where I can enjoy the 80s hair and clothes as much as the movie.

I'm still that little girl, scared of the big bad wolf. Only obsessed with him too...

Goodbye, summer of my discontent...

It has been a pretty bad week. The end to a fairly horrible summer. When I look back on my life, 2014 is not going to contain all that many great memories.

Oh, there have been some nice memories. Most of which I share on Facebook and Instagram and such. But on the whole, lots of stuff has been fairly bad. And it culminated this week in a letter from Muskingum telling me that they wish me well, but that I should focus my job prospects elsewhere.

Or, you know, something like that. Nick would say no, that's not what it said. But it might as well have.

I've never not gotten hired for a job that I've interviewed for. I have been passed over for an interview many times. But that, while not exactly fun, is not so bad. Not getting an interview is like, you are completely not right for this job, thank you. Getting an interview, for a job that you feel quite qualified for, and then being rejected feels like, oh my goodness, you seemed like such a great fit, and then I met you and discovered that you are an ogre.

I know-that's not true. But it feels true.

I'm not posting this to make anyone feel that they need to in any way acknowledge that I am actually smart and kind and certainly not an ogre. I am posting this because I write to get my emotions out, and sometimes I make the words public for the world to share, usually when I feel like maybe someone else might benefit from them. Maybe someone else will feel comforted by the idea that I was rejected. Sort of like how Peter feels better on that episode of The Brady Bunch when Mike tells him that he has been fired from lots of jobs. (Peter unfortunately went on to never really have a job that he liked in any of the subsequent TV movies about the Bradys, but that is neither here nor there.)

To top this week off, I also forgot to take Betsy's projects into the fair. So I have a very sad little girl who won't be seeing her skirt, scrapbook, and first aid poster displayed after much hard work. I kind of suck.

So...I'm officially moving on this week. My East Muskingum calendar came today. This means that I get to spend my evening updating my planner! Kind of like geeky Christmas, I know, but it is one of my favorite things to do. Tomorrow I get to go to the fair and have wonderful fair food. And I'm listening to Michael Jackson, who never ever fails to put a smile on my face.

So, dear blog readers, I will leave you with my favorite of all Bible verses, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

And please, if you are at the Muskingum County fair this week, know that there is a beautiful skirt, an amazing scrapbook, and a very helpful first aid poster made by a most amazing girl missing from the junior fair booth.

This is the true life adventure of kids at summer camp...

Betsy is at camp. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram or, you know, life, you know this. I miss her like crazy. So does Felicity. And Nicholas. It's like this part of our hearts is missing. It has been the longest week ever. EVER.

All of this has me reminiscing about summer camp. Which is slightly hard for me to do, because I only ever went to camp one time. I went to sixth grade camp, which is kind of mandatory. And my partner-the person who signs up to be your buddy the whole week-bailed and did not come. So, while there are a few memories of the week that I look upon fondly, they are few and far between. I tried my best-I hiked, I tried strange foods, I even proved somewhat decent at archery. But it was a long week. In which I just mostly wanted to go home.

I'm a homebody. Always have been, likely always will be. I love being at home, curled up with a good book. That is my idea of heaven. Nothing about camp really appeals to me-sports, crafts, being outside. None of it.

Betsy eats all that stuff up, so no doubt she's had a fabulous week. She's so much like April. April loved camp so much that she basically lived there all summer, first as a camper and then as a counselor.

So, anyway, there isn't a whole lot to reminisce over. I'm doing my best to keep the movie Sleep Away Camp out of my mind. It is literally the scariest movie I've ever seen. I saw it at 12, at my best friend's house, and the damage done to my psyche was irreparable. (I watched it again as an adult, and I must say that it is a deep and amazing film for basically being a slasher film, an allegory for coming into one's sexuality and not knowing how to handle it and that it has imprinted my life in so many ways that I really can't count them all.) But still-SCARY. Terrifying.

So, instead of dwelling on that bit of gore that changed my life, we shall move onto the only camp experience that has nothing but happiness associated with it. Bug Juice. Yes, back in old 1997, when I was a senior in high school and reality shows were not really a genre outside of the Real World and Road Rules, Disney aired a show about the true life adventures of kids at summer camp. Oh, the joy. This is what camp should be. Nothing but kids struggling with cliques and crushes and figuring out who they are at 14. This I could embrace. Summer camp from the comfort of my couch.

Bug Juice makes me want to go to camp. To Camp Waziyatah, specifically. I looked it up tonight-it costs almost $2000 per week. This is helpful information. Clearly these kids are rich, rich, rich. But still-they are kids who are in that early teenagehood that I had so recently shed. Being 14 was still fresh in my mind. 14 was really hard for me. When my hormones began to come into play, I was so naive and dumb and I had basically no outlet at all for any of them, so I just became intensely depressed. The idea that being at camp, the idea that you could somehow meet other kids, kids who did not just know you as the nerdy geek who had become somewhat a gothic weirdo-it appealed to me at a deep level.

I most closely resemble Megan, who seems nerdy and kind of a loner. But she works it all out and fits in and has the happy ending that everyone in this show basically has.

So, anyway, that's the closest I can get to camp. This TV show about camp from when I was 18. It's not too shocking, I'm sure, from a girl who lives next door to her parents still. Who still would so much rather read a book about camp than actually go. But this week I'm so lucky. Because Betsy is coming home and she will be able to tell me all about her camp experience. And I'll be so proud. Because even though I'm always going to be that nerdy girl, I'm raising some amazingly cool (albeit nerdy, because I'm still me) girls.

The week that was...

What a long week! (I say that a lot, and then always feel vaguely silly about it-obviously it is always the same exact length. But my weeks feel long, mostly.)

Things that happened this week that I loved:

Mother's Day! I was awakened by very excited little girls, who gave me a trove of very wonderful handmade gifts, including very necessary things like a recipe book and coupons for hugs and taking out the trash. They also got me a beautiful necklace from Oragami Owl. The charms they chose were each of their birthstones, a ballerina (for Felicity), a softball (for Betsy), and books (of course). And then they proceeded to make me a huge bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, and a very large glass of orange juice, which of course they served to me in bed. We went to church, and then had lunch at my mom's with my grandparents and my sister's family. All hugely wonderful stuff.

Softball-Betsy's team got their first official win this week, and against a very good team. Our team is so young (we have no mythical fifth graders who are somehow still 10 by official rules, which most of teams have at least 4 deep). The girls were so excited to get a win in, and softball is just fun to watch anyway.

Election Day-the girls and I voted. Of course, they don't actually vote, but they go with me and get their stickers. They know how important voting is to me. And even though the person I voted for didn't win, I want them to know that it's still so important.

Things that happened this week that weren't so great:

Legends of Oz-the girls were super excited to see this movie. Felicity loves The Wizard of Oz and all things Oz related. They enjoyed the movie, but Nick and I not so much. There wasn't anything objectionable in it, it was just kind of blah and not overly funny.

Debates about #s and whether or not they are worth anything-Yes, I know that simply putting a hashtag on something isn't the equivalent of doing anything, but ultimately it's a pointless debate. The fact is hashtags raise awareness, and focus the news. That needs to happen. And even if, in the end, it doesn't lead to perfect resolution, what does? It's better than sitting on our hands doing nothing.

We have a busy week ahead, full of softball, dancing, a birthday party, and, for me, a lot of meetings. End of the year and all. But I'm trying to marinate in the mundane, even the busy, because after all, it's all going to end far too soon.